Humor

GHETTO RESUME

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pookieRozonda LaQueets “Pookie” Jenkins

2036 South Side Skreet Projects

Compton, CA 11122

Phone: Cut off right now but will be back on by the 15th.

OBJECTIVE

To one day fulfill my dream of becoming a SoulTrain Dancer and, you know, just gittin my life together and stuff.  I also hope to one day be the best cosmotologecalist in the ‘hood.’

SKILLS

I do hurh and nails in my kitchen and I use my glitter and weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and stuff.  I do braids in any texture or color; synthetic or human hurh.

EDUCATION

The “GET YOURS” Home Correspondence Course, INC

Big Mamma’s House of Hair ‘N Nails “N Fried Chicken “N Stuff (Gradiated with honors for the most extensions don in a year’s time)

WORK EXPERIENCE

January 10, 1999-January 30, 1999

Big Daddy’s Motel Motor Lodge Bar and Grill Pool Hall and Bait “N TackleShop
Reason for leaving; I got sick ’n tired of Big Daddy hittin on me.

March 1, 1999-November 1, 1999

The Golden Tooth Dental and Jewelry Emporium
I loveded this job cuz they gave me a free toof ary monf and now I can spell my baby daddy name but they done up and fired me cuz I let one of my jomeboys sniff the laughing gas.  He just smelt it, he don’t do drugs no mo.

November 2, 1999-November 10, 1999

My Baby Daddy’s Day Ca4re Center Car Wash and Barber Shop
Reason for leaving:  They tried to work a sistuh ta deaf and I got thangs ta do

November 12, 1999-November 14, 1999

Kim Fung Toi’s House of Rice and Skrimps and Stuff
Reason for Leaving:  You don’t even wanna know

November 18, 1999-November 19, 1999

Jimmy’s Jheri Curls and Motor Lube
Reason for leaving: Hospitalized for spine injury when I slpped on an overflow of activator

December 2, 1999-December 2, 1999

The Ike Turner Pimp Slap Recovery Center (They have lovely commodations; yes I worked there and was a patient too.)
Reason for leaving:  Center closed down cuz Tina Turner done refused Ike’s request to give a benefit concert and donate the money to Ike.  Ike say Tina done got beside haself since she a big star and arythang.  He say he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut Bush, Tennessee.

REFERENCES

LaWanda Jenkins (from up the skreet)

Hezakiah Clevestus “The Playa” Jones (my homie’s cuzzin’s babydaddy)

The Right Reverend Aliza Benjarmin “Ineedadrank” O’grady (pastor of the Greater Mt. Carmel Church of God in Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy Rosary Latter Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Sanctified Non-Denominational Baptist Church Inc., a not-for-profit agency.)

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Resume 4 Employment

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Are you looking to hire a new secretary? Check out this resume to an employer!

Deer Sir,

 

I want to apply for the seceratary job I saw in the paper. I can Type really quik with acouple of fingers and I do some acounting.

 

I think I am good on the phone and I know I am a people person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

 

I´m lookin for a Job as a seceratary but it musnt be to complicaited.

 

I know my spelling is not to good but find that I offen can get a job thru my persionality. My salery is open so we can discus what you want to pay and what you think that I am wirth,

 

I can start imedaitely. Thank you in advanse for you’re answer.

 

hopfully you’re best apllicant so far.

 

Sinserley,

Peggy May Starlings

 

PS : Because my resumee is a bit short – below is a pikture of me taken by the boss at my last job. Read More

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Gul I Loveded You Poem

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playawitrollers

Gul I loveded you,
Straight up fo’sho.
Or I wouldna told dem ova girls
not to call me no mo.

I knowed it was true,
the first day I seed you.
Why you thank I do,
the thangs I do?

Remember how I use ta wine and dine you,
Schlits Malt Liquor and Bar-Ba-Que.
I gave you a bubble baze and fed you grapes.
Dey was on sale that week a dolla ninety-eight.

Romanic evenins after dark,
Skreet light walks around the block.
Like the very first time,
you came ova to my crib.
And you got all scared,
cause that roach was on yo Tims.
I was right dare,
with a can of spray.
To be yo Super Negro,
and save the day.

I ain’t even pay my light bill,
so I can take you to da club…..
Don’t knock ova dem candles
and burn up my rug!

And dat nite we made luv,
for a long liddle bit of time.
I hope you got yours,
cause I sho’nuff got mine.

I woke up early and made you breakfast in bed.
Sep fo I ain’t have no juice, no grits, and no eggs.
Didn’t have no cereals and was fresh outta milk,
so we had some toast and some potada chips.

I use to rub lotion on yo feets,
and massage yo back.
I found you some glue,
when you lost one of your tracks.

Now what man you knowed,
ever loveded you like dis.
Gul please just take my name
off dat child support list.

Now come on show some love, it don’t get any better that that, LOL! Feel free to comment below.

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