Humor

The Lonely Island: D**k in a Box feat Justin Timberlake

Charles Lenoir / December 5, 2015

When “D**k In A Box,” featuring Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig, originally aired on SNL (in December 2006), the word dick was censored 16 times.

An uncensored version was put onto SNL’s website shortly after the show aired, and subsequently landed on YouTube, where it scored more than 28 million views (and even won an Emmy for Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics).

Warning: The uncensored version is below and may be inappropriate for children.

SNL-D**k in a Box feat Justin Timberlake Video

Anyway I hope you got a good laugh out of this oldie but goodie.

Please feel free to share it with anyone that you think needs a good laugh this holiday season!

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Any comments please share them below

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Humor

Jesus is Watching You -The Burglar Story

Charles Lenoir / June 3, 2014

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

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Humor

How To Avoid A Speeding Ticket

Charles Lenoir / May 19, 2014

So what is the best way to avoid a speeding ticket?

I don’t recommend doing what this lady did!

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

Enjoy Your Day!

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Humor

Important Read ASAP: How To Make A Man or Woman Happy

Charles Lenoir / March 27, 2013

So the Secret has finally been let out. If you want to know how to make a man or woman happy this is a MUST READ! Enjoy!

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don’t check his phone (messages)
5. Don’t bother him with his whereabouts or movements

So whats so hard about that ?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It’s really not too difficult but…. to make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes.

And that’s all there is too it! 🙂

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Humor

Georgia Grandma Tells All

Charles Lenoir / February 20, 2013

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!”

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Humor

The One Dollar Bill Story

Charles Lenoir / December 28, 2012

There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building.

As they were laying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, “Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven’t seen you in a long time?”

The $20 dollar bill replied, “Man I have been having a ball!! I been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. In fact, just this week I’ve been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino!! I have done it all!!!“

After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1 dollar bill, “What about you? Where have you been?”

The $1 dollar replied, “Well, I’ve been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian, church, the Episcopalian church, the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints, the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the…

“WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A M I N U T E!!“, shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill.